Like What Animals Do
by Creona
Summary: Shinpachi throws up his hands, straight man gone, blown to bits, and -damn it all, still none of them understood anything. "Kagura-chan is going into heat, kidnapped, and possibly sold into slavery and YOU'RE ALL HAVING TEA."
1. Chapter 1

Abuto tends to think a lot. Of course it comes with the job and the captain, whom is an airhead and doesn't do much except fight and eat. So he does enough overtime thinking to make up for the two of them.

He thinks about all sorts of things. Like when he'll get a vacation, what he'd be doing if he wasn't a space pirate, why he can't have a captain that does his paperwork, and most importantly, __when__ will his captain start doing his paperwork. Despite all the obnoxious airs he puts on, Abuto knows that his red-headed superior isn't completely dumb and if that idiot put his mind to it, the papers would done in a flash.

He walks briskly to engine room of the spaceship, ready pick up more reports for his captain (which will most likely find a way into __his__ pile of work instead) and overhears a conversation between two of his fellow Yato pirates.

"My wife went into heat yesterday."

"What?! Why aren't you back with her?"

"Well, it's suppose to be next week, and that's the week I filed a vacation for, but she had a kid recently so her schedule is all messed up now."

"Is there someone with her?"

"Yeah, her mother is."

"She's gonna be pissed when you get back."

"If you don't hear from me after next week, you know what's happened to me."

The men laugh as they slap each other on the back, making jokes about life insurance and prepaid day care. Abuto watches them amble away from the corner of his eye.

__Well, Yato heats, huh?__ That brings back memories. Of course, he had been with a few Yato women in his life, no serious relationships however. It's hard to deal women as is, never mind one that can throw you through a wall or two without breaking a sweat.

Yato women go into heat once year, usually a week after their birthdays. They can last 3 days, or 4 if it's the first one. It's not a taboo subject in the clan, just not spoken aloud because Yato women find it embarrassing. (__When he said 'embarrass' he meant the shut-up-or-get-shot type, not the daintily blushing type.__)

Abuto quite understands how it could be somewhat humiliating. Having to lose all your strength, being unable to control your desires and standing at the mercy of your mate for three whole days. Not that he ever minded the last part.

Speaking of Yato women... Abuto thinks of a certain little girl making a home for herself on Earth as he makes his way back to their shared office quarters.

__Does she know about this stuff?__

* * *

><p>Abuto opens the door and finds a butter knife on a suicidal mission, flying towards his head. He manages to duck down before the damned knife took out his left eye.<p>

"I'm not interested in looking like the Kihetai leader any time soon," Abuto comments dryly.

Kamui chuckles, "Just testing your reflexes, Abuto. Though I'm sure Takasugi wouldn't mind a friend like himself."

"He's got his own samurai army, that's more than enough friends."

His captain gives a hum in acknowledgement but Abuto knows he wasn't listening anymore. The red haired youngster steadies a basket of toast on his lap as he tries shove as many pieces of bread into mouth as can.

"They gave me jam to put on the toast but it took too much effort so I thought you could have the knife," the Yato captain said, or that's what Abuto could make out from the slurred speech as the man spoke while aggressively stuffing his face.

The elder of the two sighed as he sat down at his desk and attempted to make progress into his iron wall of paperwork.

He lets his mind wander a bit as he distractedly skims through pages and pages on auto electric power generators.

__Did our little miss on Earth know about Yato heats?__ He could imagine a rather problematic situation occurring if she didn't. Mainly, a harem of men gathering outside her house, begging to ravish her. The scent of a Yato in heat is rather potent, especially to weaker species (accordingly, 96% of known alien species are weaker than Yatos, which leaves a very large number of potential males) and Yato females are universally known for being fair-skinned beauties.

Feeling slightly concerned, he kind of wants to ask the captain if his sister was of age yet. Kind of. However, he really likes living too.

Despite the indifference Kamui shows towards all members of his family, he knows that his sister is an extremely touchy topic. He asked about her after the Yoshiwara fiasco and lost the right half of his ribs in the process.

__"Ne, Abuto. Weaklings aren't worth discussing, alright?"__

Thus, the subject was buried under bedrock and forced amnesia, never to be brought up again.

(Abuto also swore that the box full of candid photos of a certain female Yato with twin buns was not real. He had not found said box in the back of the captain's closet during laundry day. No sir, he found no such thing. Not at all.)

__Of all the captains in this world, mine just had to be the sis-con living in the deepest pit of denial yet.__ Abuto sighs inwardly.

To ask or not to ask. A potentially life threatening question it is. He doesn't have any ill feelings towards the Yato girl, despite getting his ass handed to him at Yoshiwara. Maybe he's getting too parental about these crazy siblings.

He didn't like fighting other Yatos, their species was endangered as is. And it absolutely did not sit well with him that a member of their clan is possibly being taken advantage of because she didn't know about her heats.

"Say, Captain."

The red head eyes the empty basket with dissatisfaction and continues to do so as he answers, "What is it?"

Abuto takes a deep breath as he wearily crosses the line of conversation that may end his very life.

"How old is your sister?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** _Thanks for all the nice comments guys! I will try to update quickly but school is my life's bane so it'll depend._

* * *

><p>The silence that permeated that air was uncomfortably awkward, but Abuto was just glad he was still alive.<p>

__There, I asked it. I asked the question that will bring the universe into supernova. I leave my fate to the gods.__

Kamui stares unblinkingly at him until a sinister grin splits his face.

"Oh my Abuto, aren't you brave? To think you'd dare set your sights on my sister-"

Of all the meanings he could have gotten from that question, this was the meaning he deduced?

"No wait, that's not what I meant at all. Hey, are you listening to me?!"

The captain threateningly steps towards his subordinate and continues to ramble on threats, obviously having heard none of what Abuto tried to clarify.

"-you think she's one of those nightly courtesans? Do you make her out to have such low standards? And you think I'll give you the chance-"

"No! Captain, I just wanted-"

"It's not smart to want things you can't have, Abuto. She's not very bright, but I'll make sure parasites don't get near-"

"I was worried the little miss would have her first heat on Earth without someone to tell her!" he bellows.

Kamui stops, eyes wide. Abuto can literally see a quiet 'ooooooh' play across his brain.

They stare at each other, one waiting to be torn in half and the other in a slight daze of thought. The staring continues longer and longer but Abuto doesn't look away, afraid that one blink may be the death of him.

"Abuto, set up a transitory spaceship for Earth."

Huh? He did hear that correctly, right? "Earth? Now?"

The chilling smile seeps back onto Kamui face as he punctuates, "Now."

The Yato continues to grin as Abuto runs to carry out his order. He sits down and starts crushing pens into small pieces to release his frustration.

__Has anyone dared touch her?__ He hopes not because if anyone has, the perpetrator better be prepared to have both arms ripped off, two eyes blinded and all internal and external organs removed.

He was foolish. Foolish in thinking she was protected by her Yato strength (much, much weaker than his but compared to Earthlings, her weak strength will do). Foolish to even believe that silver samurai will do his job as a (reluctant) surrogate father and provide proper care.

And extremely foolish of him to forget that his distant sister is growing older and will one day be of age to find lovers and boyfrien- AND THAT IS JUST UNACCEPTABLE.

Another pen cracks in his grip and falls to the graveyard of plastic scraps and ink on the floor.

Maybe she is heading toward her first heat but there will be no lovers. No boyfriends. No one. He'll make sure of it.

* * *

><p><em><em>Oh Lord high above, make sure to remind me to never have a kid<em>_, he thinks blearily as high pitched yelling assaults his ears.

"Gin-chan! It's your turn to cook and I'm hungry! Wake up you lazy ass bum!"

He blindly gropes around above his head until his thumb hit the side of the Justaway clock. He stares at it, trying to remember what numbers were and why the clock doesn't have any backlighting so he can see the fucking numbers.

"Kagura, it's 8:30. Why are you awake at 8:30? You're never awake at 8:30."

Kagura's mouth forms a pout as she shakes the samurai some more. "But I'm hungry! Gin-chan ate all the leftovers and didn't buy eggs because our pockets are emptier than MADAO's."

Apparently, it's his fault they're piss poor. It's not like she wasn't eating her way out of all his savings. Her and her monster dog. (__Sadaharu is only a puppy__, she had said sweetly. Like hell it is.) He's been counting how many bowls she ate and its gone up from 18 to 23. At least that baldy could have left a couple bags of gold to feed this black hole. That is the least he could do, after dropping off his only daughter into the hands of a stranger. Common courtesy, really.

Speaking of daughters, the one that's freeloading in his house has been acting weird. Weird enough that he's actually a bit concerned.

She has been a non stop, hyperactive laser beam as of late. She's up early, food gone one second, out the door the next, and doesn't come back till sundown.

Shinpachi is happy to see she's out and about but he knows better. They're only like this right before the worst part of puberty hits. The part where they're all gloomy and cold, locking up their rooms, refusing to speak to society, slipping messages under the doors, muttering in ancient languages, starting fires with black magic...

Gin shudders to think what Kagura would be like when the time comes. How many walls will he have replace? How many broken limbs will he get? God knows, he doesn't want to.

He feels himself physically dragged across the floor and into the kitchen. He groans tiredly, gets up and starts filling the rice cooker with rice.

"Go wash up," he orders and the kid happily bounces to the washroom. He pours in a decent amount of water and starts the cooker up. He yawns and stretches his arms up, feeling sore bones pop into place.

And another day starts again.

* * *

><p>Shinpachi watches Kagura skip out the door, umbrella in hand and Sadaharu bounding after her.<p>

"See ya later, Shinpachi," she calls out as loud thumping of the stairs follow.

"Buy some ketchup and salt on your way home!" He yells back, sliding the door close. He returns to the weird purple stains he's been trying to scrub from the floor.

__Kagura-chan has been really energetic lately__, he notes to himself. There's been a decline in derogatory nicknames for him and a lot less yelling over changing the channels.

Maybe it's the new friends she's made. She goes on and on about Mako-chan's new litter of kittens and when Akari-chan went to the new amusement park and how Natsumi's ex was such a douche bag and "deserved to have his skull smashed into bits on a tax robber's car".

Kagura's acting more like a fourteen year-old girl and less like a certain lazy samurai; he'd be lying if he said he wasn't glad.

"Patsuan, some tea would be nice."

"Get it yourself, Gin-san."

Yes, thank God Kagura won't turn out like him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:**_ I have not forgotten about this story, guys! I just have had no time to do anything called fun for a while because of graduation and stuff. Thank you for the ongoing support y'all!_

* * *

><p>Umibozu doesn't realize it until the clerk at the space postal center points it out to him.<p>

"I think your daughter would appreciate it if you visited her more often. Give them a happy surprise on their birthdays and such..."

_Birthday, huh_, he thinks dazedly as he signs a scratchy 'PAPI' at the bottom of the letter. _Birthday..._ He folds the letter, automatic motions, and seals it in the envelope. Kagura's birthday is next month. She'll be-

The letter falls lightly to the floor. His eye widen dramatically, body going rigid. The clerk stares at him under his spectacles, quite worried.

"Are you alright, sir?"

He clutches his head, grunting in distress.

"I have been a terrible father. I can't believe ... I've forgotten... I...I... I need to see her..."

The alien hunter dashes hurriedly for the nearest space terminal. Spectators whisper amongst each other, wondering what the weird bald guy could possibly need to do so quickly besides fixing his toupee. The old clerk picks up the abandoned letter with a knowing sigh.

"Well, the postage is paid. Might as well send it..."

* * *

><p>"Ahahahaha! Not only are you tax robbers but tax-robbing poop wranglers as well."<p>

"And who were the stupid Amantos that brought this diarrhea disease running amuck, huh?"

The redhead juts her nose in the air haughtily. "You petty humans just have weak immune systems, uh huh."

The Shinsengumi youth, whom is currently feeling like he's flushed most of his internal organs down the toilet, grumbles a frustrated sigh. He really doesn't have the physical or mental capacity to put up a fight right now.

"...and it's probably just you tax robbers," she continues, " Gin-chan and Shinpachi didn't get it. Guess it shows what a weakness you truly are, uh huh." She finishes off with a evil smile.

"Better knock on some fucking wood, China, because you probably just jinxed them."

Of course, Okita Sougo didn't have diarrhea 3 days ago. Not until China monster's dad came to visit, and came visiting in the midst of fighting a giant dancing mushroom. The mushroom Amanto was rather touchy about being killed because it released a wave of non lethal, not-really-that-deadly, spores into the air that caused severe pandemic of diarrhea for most of the Shinsengumi as well as citizens near the Terminal. Supposedly, the effects are short term but he is pretty sure he'll need a lot of therapy to forget this trauma.

He does all this work for the 'better good' (as Kondo-san calls it) and this is what he gets.

He probably looks like Hell too. It's hard not to when you've been forcefully releasing your intestines in a god-awful public bathroom.

_Damn it China, you always know the best time to pick a fight don't you._

"What did Umibozu come for anyway? Finally taking you away for all the trouble you've caused?"

"Of course not!" She exclaims hotly, crossing her arms. "Papi came to celebrate my birthday with me."

"Your birthday?" So this monster girl actually does grow normally.

She smiles now, looking very proud. "I turned 15 two days ago. Anego said that everyone will start calling me 'young lady' soon, uh huh."

Okita smirks, "You actually have to be a lady to be called 'Young Lady', China. Not some beast that causes mass collateral damage."

"You Sadist brat!"

He parries her umbrella before she smashes it through his head.

Their fight leaves two bystanders wounded, a convenience store destroyed, two police cars totaled, and the almost-removal of Hijikata's right arm ( _"You almost decapitated my arm!" "Sorry, Hijikata-san, but I'm extremely on edge here fighting this China thing and anything that comes within a 3 meter radius is potential prey."_)

Gintoki manages to have Sadaharu drag her away, grumbling and swearing. Hijikata does something similar with the Shinsengumi officer, just with less animals involved.

"Just you wait you stupid, fucking S, I'll whip your bratty ass so har- ghmmmhjmfmndng!"

"Kagura-chan, Kagura-chan," Gintoki crows as he slaps a hand over her mouth before it's too late, "I know I've been unreliable but that's not exactly the insults you throw at young sadist boys."

Okita grins wolfishly before replying, "If you wanna talk about whips now, China-"

"Sougo, do not finish that sentence."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:**_ I am moving into college in about week and I can't tell you how excited I am. I'll be extremely busy with art school this and that so updates might be really sporadic and short from here on out but I've decided to post the long chapter now so everyone has more content before I leave. I hope it's good, haha?_

* * *

><p>Her stomach feels weird. And she knows it's not because she's eaten too much since they hardly have enough for two meals a day as is; so she comes to the conclusion she has eaten too little.<p>

"Gin-chan, I want sukonbu."

The jobless man she calls out to turns away from the precious JUMP he's hoarding at the corner of the magazine stand.

"Haa?! We just ate dangos."

"But I still want more," she pouts.

"That sour-salty shit won't make you feel any fuller." Gin-chan is playing hard to get handing over his wallet.

Kagura rubs her tummy and grins less-than-innocently, "Anego said if you snack more, you eat less."

"That makes no sense. Also, stop listening to that gorilla lady talk-"

"Sukonbu." She holds out her hand with unwavering demand and the samurai unwillingly drops some change into her palm.

"Thanks Gin-chan!"

"Yeah, sure," he sighs defeatedly as he watches the little squirt run away happily with his money.

* * *

><p>Otae visits them later that day holding a dish that used to be eggs in hand, accompanied with the serenest of smiles. Gintoki makes it out the fastest. He yells something about explosive diarrhea, grabs his JUMP and crash lands into the bathroom, unsubtly triple bolting the door. Shinpachi braves the blackened remains his sister has prepared and Kagura is caught halfway climbing out the kitchen window.<p>

"A-Anego, I'm dieting and you can't eat carbs when you diet and-"

"That's fine," she smiles and she scrapes black matter into her bowl anyway. "Actually I came with an offer for you, Kagura-chan."

"Offer?"

"Well, a friend of mine runs a bar and needs some help after all his waitresses went down with tuberculosis."

"Oh! I can do that! I help the old lady downstairs all the time," Kagura chirps proudly.

"You mean, help eat all of her rice," Shinpachi sighs. The red-head elbows him sharply.

She puts a hand worryingly to her cheek. "The thing is, it's in the brothel district of town-"

"Aneue, Kagura is much too young to work there-"

"-but the pay is really high and I thought the Yorozuya could use not being broke."

"KAGURA WILL DO IT!" Gin shouts immediately from his safety in the bathroom.

"Oh, that's fantastic Gin-san! Will you be joining us for dinner soon?"

"Uh...nope. Bowels are still exploding. This gonna be a while," he says as he fakes an obvious groan of pain.

Shinpachi glances at Kagura before she turns to the bathroom door with a wickedly sweet smile. "I'll do it if Gin-chan comes out and eats with us."

_KAGURA YOU LITTLE SHIT!_

_IF ONE OF US FALLS, WE ALL FALL TOGETHER. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID GIN-CHAN UH HUH!_

_THAT'S RIGHT, GIN-SAN! WE'RE NOT GOING OUT ON THE FRONTLINES WITHOUT YOU!_

Kagura and Shinpachi snicker insidiously together as they hear the flush of the toilet. Otae prepares another bowl of rice with a knowing smile.

* * *

><p>"Another bomb?"<p>

"Yes. This one was found outside a tourist center near the Terminal."

Hijikata rubs his brow with a sigh. "Which Joi terrorist group is it this time?"

Yamazaki shuffles some papers before continuing his report, "They're a surviving faction from a major Joi terrorist organization we arrested last year. They now go by the name of the Mazeda Company."

He reaches for the blueprints and documents as he lights his cigarette with his other hand. Hijikata glances through them briefly before noting, "These aren't ordinary bombs, they're alien technology. Where are these bastards getting it from?"

"I'm not sure, sir. We don't have much on the Mazeda Company since they've only appeared recently."

"New mission: Yamazaki, you keep an eye out on these Mazeda bastards and find out who they're associating with and-"

Hijikata tilts his head, narrowly dodging an arrow aimed at his skull.

"And...Sougo will be joining you on this mission as well."

"I think you're wrong Hijikata-san. All that hair must be getting in the way of your thinking, let me get rid of it for you."

Hijikata ducks against the swing of very sharp katana that belonged to a certain Shinsengumi First Officer. This would have been treason if it didn't happen on a daily basis.

"It also seems Sougo has volunteered to write the report for this mission."

"_Hijikata you bastard!_!"

* * *

><p>It's while cleaning through his drawers, looking for his misplaced paycheck, that Gintoki unearths a crinkled letter. It looked relatively new, unopened, and had Kagura's named printed on the front. He raises the envelope to his face, briefly recalling how the baldy had told him to give this Kagura after he had left.<p>

_I'll hand it to her when she gets home_, he thinks nonchalantly as he throws it atop his desk and continues searching for his missing payment.

Then he reconsiders. What if the badly had left some cash to Kagura in there? He knows it's pretty rude to open something not addressed to him but he deserves some compensation for feeding the brat for so long, right?

Before he knows it, he's already ripped the envelope apart. Disappointingly, Gintoki doesn't find any sort of cash. Instead, a piece of paper tumbles out along with a few packets of what looks to be small pills. He picks up the folded letter and reads, hoping that there may be a PIN to a savings account or something.

_Dear Kagura,_

_It has been a long time since I was able to enjoy your birthday with you. I hope it was as worth it to you and it was for me._

_This something I should have discussed with you in person before I left but, for a father, this is a pretty embarrassing topic to approach at all so I have decided to write you this letter instead. _

_You are about to enter an age of adulthood very soon, Kagura. You see, Yato women experience something known as a heat when they become fertile. It usually happens a week after their birthdays and will last for about 3 to 4 days. It's nothing bad, I promise. You'll just feel weak, and...erm...sensitive, that's all._

_This event will happen to you very soon. This is something I don't want you to experience on a planet full of dirty, disgusting males that can take advantage of your weakened state, so I've included some pills for you. Take them on the days of your heat and it will help repress the effects of the heat on your body. _

_Take care, and stay safe Kagura._

_PAPI_

Gintoki blanches. He doesn't hear the ringing of his doorbell by Catherine, yelling about his rent. He doesn't see the shifting sunlight in his room as morning turned to late afternoon. He doesn't feel, doesn't do anything. He's completely stuck in his panic-stricken mind.

_Oh shit, has it been a week, yet?! It can't have been a week right? I mean, Kagura turned 15, like, last Tuesday. And today is a... Wednesday. Shit, wait, it must have been last Wednesday or Thursday. There's no way it's been a week... Oh my god, it's been a week. Kagura could go into heat any time today! Wasn't she working at this bar or something, at the brothels... _

_Oh no, she's going to go into heat at the place where the lowest of men gather._

"Hey, Gin-san, I brought some noodles from this takeout place for dinner. It's reheatable so we can wait for Kagura-chan to get back from her job to eat because you know she'll get mad if we eat before her-"

Shinpachi stops when a wide-eyed and anxious Gin-san grabs his shoulders.

"We need to find Kagura! And your sister! Heat! She's going into heat! And-"

"Wait, my sister's going into heat?" Shinpachi shouts, confused and slightly offended.

"No, not that man-lady, it's Kagura!"

"Gin-san, what is going-" He doesn't get an answer. Gintoki roughly shoves the letter into his face before plopping down of the couch, head in hands, muttering worries one after another.

Shinpachi pales in horror as he reads. "Oh my god. Does Kagura-chan know?"

"Well, actually, I forgot about this letter until today, when I found it in the desk..."

"Gin-san, I can't believe you! Kagura-chan is in the worse place at the worst possible timing for the worse thing to happen."

"H-hey, we shouldn't panic, you know. As long as we get the pills to her, it should be fine. Now we just gotta find her and...and..."

"And hope it's not too late."


End file.
